


Thoughts Along the Way

by spikewriter



Series: A Symphony of Ten [6]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-07
Updated: 2014-12-07
Packaged: 2018-02-28 06:40:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2722493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spikewriter/pseuds/spikewriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor reflects on his travels with Rose</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thoughts Along the Way

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Challenge 2.12 of [**writerinatardis**](http://writerinatardis.livejournal.com/) on LiveJournal (and for which I was voted into the TARDIS), it also served as Day Six of my 2009 Advent Calendar. Edited for posting here.

_“Run!”_

It’s always the easiest thing in the world to say. See someone in distress, tell them to run, then grab their hand and pull them along in case they’re too confused or too stupid to consider self-preservation. Picked up more than one stray in my time this way. Not any more, though. Don’t need any company, thank you very much. Doing just fine on my own.

I hadn’t counted on Rose.

_“I did it again. I picked another stupid ape.”_

I meant the words to hurt -- angry with her, angry with myself for letting her inside. I didn’t _want_ to be responsible for anyone else. Bad enough being responsible for the universe without having to keep chasing after some idiot human who had no concept of the laws of time and space.

But when she says she’s sorry, I can see it in her eyes and I can’t stay angry at her too long. Like it or not, it feels good to have someone else in the TARDIS again and I’m glad it’s her.

_“Have a good life. Do that for me, Rose. Have a fantastic life.”_

When — if — Emergency Programme One is activated, I knew she’d moan and carry on. She’d slap me, too, if I were within range. Sometimes Rose can be bit too much like her mother, if you know what I mean — and there was something to frighten almost any race in the universe with a bit of sense. Shouldn’t have surprised me she managed to find a way back, but I wasn’t prepared for to learn she’d had the brilliance and courage to swallow the heart of the TARDIS itself. No way she could have known what it would cost me to pull it from her. Good thing, too; she would have tried to stop me, not knowing this wasn’t the end, even if it meant losing this daft old face.

_“All those planets... creatures and horizons... I haven't seen them yet! Not with these eyes...”_

She’s hesitating. I can see it in her eyes. Has to be the regeneration because I really didn’t get a chance to explain before things started happening. Maybe I need a handbook — “What a Companion Needs to Know About Their Time Lord.” That’s assuming, of course, she’d actually read it. Rose is wonderful, but not necessarily big on reading the directions before diving in.

But when I hold out my hand, she smiles, even if it’s still a bit tentative. I waggle my fingers and she giggles a bit before sliding her hand into my own. Funny I hadn’t even realized how much I missed having a hand to hold, but I still felt the lack.

_I've seen fake gods and bad gods and demi-gods and would-be gods — out of all that — out of that whole pantheon — if I believe in one thing... just one thing...I believe in **her**._

The universe hates me, forcing me to chose between those I love and the fate of everything again and again and again. Oh, but even as I smash those vases, breaking whatever insane science or spell that suspended Kroptor beneath a black holes ages ago, I feel my hearts swell at the thought that if Rose were here, she’d be urging me on to do this.

But sometimes virtue has its rewards and even as the planet is torn apart by the forces of gravity, I find myself at the base of that beautiful blue box and know it won’t be long until I see her again.

_You're dead, officially, back home._

When the Beast had said Rose would die in battle, I swore to her he lied. But here we are, her in one world and me in another and she’s a name on an official list. For once, the words don’t come easily, each syllable a second that ticks away our moments. She cries and I can’t pull her into my arms to comfort her. She tells me she loves me, and I can’t manage to speak a simple, straightforward sentence before the connection ends.

And the damn universe can’t even give me time to grieve before dropping Donna Noble in my lap.

_Rose would know._

Perhaps not the most sensitive thing to say because I can see the signs Martha’s interested in something more than I want to give, but what surprises me is how much just the mention of her name still hurts. It’s been — well, I rattled around the universe hoping time would dull the ache. I didn’t want to forget her, just wanted not to hurt every moment of every day. That’s why I asked Martha along for a trip, figured maybe it was time to dip my toe back into the waters of not traveling alone.

I flop onto my back and stare at the ceiling. Maybe it was a mistake; I’m not ready for this. Nothing against Martha because she’s got loads of things to recommend her, but she’s not Rose. That’s the problem; no one’s Rose except Rose.

_She’s not just living on a parallel world, she’s trapped there._

Still hurts to say it. Martha coming along has helped because it’s nice having another voice around the TARDIS — and she’s been brilliant in her own way. But admitting to Jack that Rose is gone, there’s no way I can bring her back without ripping the worlds apart — it’s like the wounds have just been ripped open. What could be worse?

_But... Rose is coming back. Isn't that good?_

Donna has no idea. She doesn’t understand Bad Wolf, has no conception of what it takes to send that type of message through time and space or the power to find her in that strange pocket universe, move her to where — I don’t want to think about it.

But at the same time...Rose is coming back. The universe is about to be ripped apart but she’s coming back and I’ll walk through hell if that’s what’s necessary to be with her, because no matter what I face, it’s better with her at my side.

Yeah, it’s a good thing.

_Does it need saying?_

Of course it does, you twat! Can’t you see it? She crossed the bloody Void for you, was ready to leave home and family behind — _again_ — because she loves you more than you have any right to expect. She’s everything you lost when our world was destroyed, everything you’ve been looking for even if you didn’t realize it.

That’s the problem, isn’t it? You do know, but you can’t let yourself unbend enough to take the prize now that what you’ve been longing for is in your grasp. Maybe it’s the metacrisis or the one heart or maybe that little bit of Donna who always has to shout and rage against the world, but I’m realizing that just possibly there’s not enough oxygen getting to that big Time Lord brain of yours.

She’s looking at me with eyes which warn her heart’s about to break and I play into the plan you devised, step forward and say exactly what I — you — really want to say: _I love you._

For me, it’s the easiest thing in the world.


End file.
